Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
