his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
