apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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