The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
