I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Sorry my hands just texted you
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
