How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
