I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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