Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
