I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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