I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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