I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
