farters have to be the big spoon...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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