Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
