I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
