just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
