girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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