Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
