she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
