We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
