i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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