We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
