He uses pillows to masturbate.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
