So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
