I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
