saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
