I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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