They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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