She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
