Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
