Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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