You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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