i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The Olympian is in my bed
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
