I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
