One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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