If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
