My friends, they love my intelligence
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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