grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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