dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Randomize
