My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
