She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
