i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
