when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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