either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
