When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
