another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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