how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
