Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
