i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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