Already got asked if we're dating
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
