Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
