If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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